In which I am easily distracted

I want to write a book.
Now this isn’t any shocking news. Anyone who knows me would nod at this statement, as it’s something I say quite frequently.
Over the years, I’ve wanted to write many books. Some of them I’ve even started! There have been superheroes (always superheroes), haunted boarding schools, mundane creatures that are mythical beings in disguise, precocious children, musings on my father’s childhood in Colombia, childhood bedtime stories, and melodramatic self reflections (this might be one of those). But as soon as someone says, “hey that sounds like a good idea!”, it seems like my brain has moved on to a new story.
But this book, or potential book, is the one my mind wanders back to whenever I lack inspiration or hit a wall. I wish I could say it’s the grand superpowered epic that’s been stewing in my brain since I was a six year old little girl who thought a super heroine named Super E defending a city called CoCoville was a good idea, but it’s not. It’s even more embarrassing. It’s the sort of thing that if I ever actually wrote, I envision future fans of my work (I know, pretentious much?) discovering in horror, like finding out Sir Arthur Conan Doyle believed in fairies, or that your favorite comic writer/author did Tijuana bibles back in the day.
Every once in a while, pen in hand, I have the urge to write an “every boy who did me wrong” rant, delving into every relationship I’ve ever had and why they fell through. In my daydreams, I experience enlightenment through Taylor Swift like public humiliation for all of the guys in my life, discover what I’m looking for, and reaffirm to myself that I don’t HAVE to be looking for anything.
The characters in question would all be referred to as “boys”, in direct conflict with the anger I express whenever someone refers to me as a “girl”. I’ll have you know that I’ve had my Quincenera, that I can vote, AND I buy bras at Victoria’s Secret, thank you very much!
Oh, and all of the boys would be included, from the crush in preschool to the latest tragedy. They’d all read the book, learn the error of their ways, and become better people for it. It’s practically a public service. Their partners would probably thank me!
This is all a prime example of an “Emilyism”. This is where someone knows something is a bad idea but they either do it anyways or try to convince themselves that it’s a great idea! It’s that moment when you know the answer to a question was just given, but you’ve already forgotten so you ask for it again. Or when you have no idea how to navigate the metro in an unfamiliar city but decide that you’ll “probably” be able to figure it out, ending up having a panic attack before you do.
Maybe these things just happen to me.
But isn’t it the most human thing to think ourselves, our lives so interesting that OF COURSE others would love to read/watch/know allllll about it? Isn’t that the basis for reality TV, autobiographies, blogs, and YouTube?
My name is Emily Roldan and I am not nearly as interesting as I think I am. In the time it took you to read this, you probably could have mastered that metro, tracked down an antique Tijuana bible, or written the outline for an angry rant.
Have a nice day.

Morning Glory

Things will be better in the morning
That’s what mom always would say
Dreams would come along shining
And insecurities they’d slay

But in the a.m, I’d be the same girl
Dealing with my place in the world
My dreams were always how life could be
If I were taller, if I were anything

Not me

The first was a pal from when I was young
We’d run through the fields and have lots of fun but
I needed a tan and to throw away comics
My boobs were too small and I didn’t kiss yet
And when he met my bestie, I went on the friends list

But it wasn’t long
Surely life goes on

The second one liked the leader
But I played second fiddle
So I guess I was good enough
For just that one month
He wanted to hear me talk on the phone
While he imagined what we would do if all alone

And I played along
Knowing it felt wrong

The third was gentlemanly, so much no one knew
Things that aren’t talked about, don’t make them lies, they’re still true
He loved to argue and drive me places
But looked anywhere but me in front of old faces
I still have the card from that one valentines day
And answered his college call once when he was far away

And I waited long
Knowing I was wrong

The fourth one is kind, this one is sweet
Swept my shoes right off my feet
He buys me nice things while I’m saving the world
Wants to have a boy and a girl
Wants to have me all of his life
Oh god, he wants me to be his…
Don’t we look so nice?

Isn’t this what I wanted?
Someone who’d love me as myself?
Who’d only love me and nobody else?
Why am I scared, why am I sad?
Isn’t this the best that I ever had?
Thirteen year old me would call me a fool,
Doubting the one guy who isn’t a tool
Doubting the one guy who loves me for me
Doubting the one guy who doesn’t play on my insecurities…

So do I carry on?
Forever seems so long…

Things will be better in the morning
That’s what mom would always say
But I’m too old to want to believe in heroes
Who will come save my day.

In the a.m, Im exactly the same
And nothing’s as dramatic as I claim
I should be happy, I should be set
Why am asking myself if it’s over yet?